The Scandinavian Dog Kings

An elaborate and sadistic mechanism for humiliating the conquered

The chronicles of medieval Scandinavian history tell us of the fascinating tradition of the “Dog Kings”—that is, when one king would defeat another in battle, he would express his contempt for his newly conquered subjects by enthroning a dog in his vanquished opponent’s stead.

In Gesta Danorum—a history of the Danes— Saxo Grammaticus relates the glorious story of Gunnar, “bravest of the Swedes," who conquered Norway. To humiliate the Norwegians after beating their old and revered King Ragnald, he coronated a dog as their ruler. He also appointed ministers to to tend to the affairs of state in the dog’s august name, as well as high aristocrats to supervise the dog. Finally, he decreed that anyone who failed to treat the dog with proper deference and decorum would be mutilated. Needless to say, Swedish sensibilities have changed since Gunnar the Brave’s day.

I get the impression that the final act of conquering America’s moral and intellectual spirit has been the installation of something closely akin to a Dog King—not a canine, but a human of badly impaired intelligence.

Reflecting on this reminded me of a remark made by the Ukrainian oligarch and former Burisma owner, Mykola Zlochevsky to an undercover FBI agent at a coffee shop in Vienna in 2016. According to the undercover agent, Zlochevsky spoke frankly of how he needed Hunter Biden on the Burisma payroll because the then Vice President’s son was useful in keeping the company out of trouble.

“Hunter Biden is stupid,” Zlochevsky said. “My dog is smarter.”

Because of Joe Biden’s severe cognitive decline in recent years, he strikes me as the progenitor of what may turn into a tradition of American Dog Presidents. Will Kamala Harris be his successor?

To learn more about this fascinating chapter in European history, see The Dog Kings of Scandinavia.